The Fear of Being Judged

“Don’t think of confidence as being a switch.”

Stephen Gates

Words from Stephen Gates, a creative design leader and host of The Crazy One podcast. The meaning behind that is you need to practice confidence – it’s not an inherent trait that people either have or don’t have. A recent podcast episode came out, which included that line, but also talked about some of the common fears in the workplace.

The “fear of being judged” specifically inspired me to do some thinking; this is something I hold in the back of my head all the time. I don’t share my work as widely as I could, because I (secretly) don’t want my friends and co-workers to see it and jusge me for it. I feel like my stuff isn’t good enough for them (some impostor syndrome seeping in here).

And occasionally, I have “oh shit” moments when I realize my co-workers see what I put online. Are they reading and listening to what I’m putting out there? Thankfully, the team I manage seems to have no clue of my online presence. Just the same, I think this is one of the reasons why I find it hard to share my work online.

However, I know that I’m not alone, and that’s one way in which this podcast episode helped me to understand. Clearly this episode wasn’t directed at me, it was directed at people like me. In that sense, things like this help. And hearing from people with more success than I do share that they have the same feelings (impostor syndrome, fear of being judged, etc.), that’s also immensely helpful.

I’m not sure if I said what I set out to say in this piece, but I think it adequately gets across why I don’t put more effort into some of the things I do online.

Weight Loss Roller Coaster

This is not new that I keep posting about weight loss, as it’s something I’m working at – constantly. I recently completed a review of my weight data from 2013 to current day, and it disappoints me to learn that while I lost 40+ pounds by the end of 2014, I gained it all back by 2018.

At my lowest I hit 228 pounds (November 2014); that was from a starting number of 272 (February 2013). Today, August 6 2019, I’m still at 272. I knew that I was climbing back up on the scale over the past 3 years, but seeing it laid out in a spreadsheet made it pretty painfully obvious.

Clearly, I’ve talked a lot about my strategies for weight loss on this blog. Just as clearly, my strategies have not worked. I can’t remember exactly what I did when I lost the weight 5 years ago, but I at least know that it was a combination of diet (via MyFitnessPal) and going to the gym. I still have a gym membership, I just haven’t gone in several months – but it’s not like I’m inactive, it’s just not practical to go to the gym in Summer months when there’s so much to do outdoors.

5 years ago I wasn’t armed with the knowledge of CICO, though, so I feel like this time around it should be a bit simpler to approach. Of course that’s the thinking that I’ve been trapped in for a while, now. But since giving myself this kick in the pants, I’ve outlined a new plan.

  • Reduce daily calorie goal to aim for a 2 lb / week loss (so for right now, ~1555 calories per day)
  • Get back to the gym, 3 times a week. Doesn’t matter which days, and need to be there at least 30 minutes per session (if it’s a short session, it has to be all cardio).
  • I’ll allow myself to eat back maximum 50% of my exercise calories – since they are not accurately tracked, anyway.

Given this plan, I should be at 232 pounds by January 2020 at the latest. I anticipate setbacks, that’s a given. So buffer zone…end of January 2020 to shed 40 pounds. But my “real” goal is to try to hit that number by December 22 2019.

I’m not going to finish at 40 pounds, though. According to most sources, a healthy weight for me should be 148-153 pounds. That seems a bit extreme so probably my next goal after 40 pounds is to get down to 200. That was the original goal, back in 2014. I just never got there.

Slow reader – Saturday Night Ghost Club Chapters 1-4

Got a new episode out! On time! I recorded it in Halifax while on vacation, so the sound quality is slightly off from what I usually cobble together.

I’m very excited to start a new book! This wasn’t entirely intended (influenced only by when I received the book from the library), but The Saturday Night Ghost Club (by Craig Davidson) starts today with episodes 1-4, right when most other people are watching Stranger Things 3 (I’ve only seen the first season + the first episode of season 2 so far). This is a spooky book, and really good so far. So dive in with me!

The theme music in today’s episode is titled “Hor Hor” by composer Alexander Nakarada, and is available under a public domain license.

Podcast: The Slow Reader – Bonus Episode!

I’m going to keep this short because I didn’t prepare ahead of time (oops). Check it out today and let me know your theories!

This bonus episode contains a full read of “Murder and Suicide, Respecively” by Ryan North, a story from the first Machine of Death short story collection! Buy the book from Amazon if you haven’t ever read it before. Get in touch with me on Twitter to discuss theories about this story!

The Slow Reader – Gone, Chapters 39-Final

Some brief notes about the audio – I liked what I did with the previous episode so I did the same thing again. So if you think I’m wrong and full of myself, and I should change the audio, let me know!

Also – I really thought this was going to be a long episode. My notes were lengthy, but I guess either I just read too fast or I need to figure out just how long things really are 😉

This is it! The final episode for Gone, a novel by Michael Grant. We get some answers and everything wraps up (mostly) with only a handful of open threads for future books.

The Slow Reader – Gone CH 32-39

I fooled around a little with the sound in the last two episodes. I’ll be honest, I didn’t like the way the sound turned out in chapters 20-32. So I made some changes. I will listen back and figure out whether or not I go back to how I recorded it in the last few episodes. I think I like it better.

Plenty of new information revealed in these chapters, including the cause of The Fayz! Or part of the cause. This is the penultimate episode for Gone coverage, with chapters 39 – Final coming in 2 weeks’ time.

Read ‘All Our Relations’ by Tanya Talaga – it’s a really important book that I think everyone needs to read.

Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/stephen_g

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/2474979-stephen-gower

I’m excited for The Slow Reader – 2 weeks from now

I haven’t even completed the pre-production on the final episode for “Gone” (catch up on the book by following the Podcasts category on the blog) and I’m already excited for it. I’m excited for me, and I’m excited to have people listen to it. Because I think it’s going to be the best one yet (for this book). I’ve been really up & down with my own personal reaction to the podcast and how I’ve produced it, but I’ve been taking in everything I’ve done for it so far and internalized how I want to make the podcast sound better.

I’m not going to release any details – because there’s still two more episodes for the book left (tomorrow, and 14 days from now); but I will give you a little bit of behind the scenes to chew on.

Left: My Kobo Clara HD reader
Right: My podcast notebook

This is a new approach to podcasting for me; I usually just take notes and improvise as I go on the mic, because I don’t like working with a script. While this isn’t exactly a script, and I deviate from what I write from time-to-time, I figured that doing a solo show needed a bit more structure and that doing it unscripted would be harder.

Indeed, even partially scripting it is more difficult than I thought (for example, for an episode I thought would definitely be longer than 15 minutes, I came in under 10). But I’m having a good time doing it. As I said to Vanessa last night, I’m doing a lot of the work for the podcast in small chunks, because I don’t want to burn myself out and have it actually feel like work.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been trying to make the podcast sound better as I continue through the books and reading that I’m doing. It bugs me a little bit that most of my episodes are still quite short – 10 minutes or less. I feel like I’m not putting as much effort as I could be into the episodes, so that’s mainly why it’s bugging me. So that’s why this episode coming up in a couple of weeks has me excited – like I said, I’m still doing the pre-production work and have a lot to put together, but the material I’ve written already is some of the best I’ve done for this podcast to date.

Something I’m struggling with at the moment is a lack of time, though. I’ve finished Gone, but haven’t picked a new book to read yet – so while I have plans for an episode or two in between Gone and the next book, I don’t know how all of that will work out yet. If I sit down and think about it, I likely have a lot of time to puzzle it out. I definitely want something planned to release so I don’t get caught with several weeks without a new episode again.

I’ve got a few notes and ideas for the next book and how to cover it a bit differently. Some of that will go into the final chapters of Gone; but for the most part you won’t see a change until the start of the next book.

Thanks for reading / listening. Let me know if you are listening to the podcast!

New Podcast Discovery: Science Fiction Shorts

I’m not going to lie, the inspiration for the name of this blog was pulled directly from a podcast I enjoyed from years back that no longer publishes: No Format Podcast. (Also not a lie, I sometimes think about re-branding this blog and calling it something else.)

The podcast was hosted by Josh Wetencamp and his friend Jason (can’t remember the last name, and Apple won’t give me more info right now!), and they covered a number of different topics – as the name suggests, they didn’t have a set topic, or a specific show clock that they followed. They were fun to listen to, and definitely one of the first podcasts of its kind; nowadays you’ll probably find several shows that follow the same premise (“It’s a show…about nothing!”).

But I’m getting away from my main point. Josh has a new podcast available on Apple Podcasts (also via RSS feed)! The main premise is basically Josh reads a story to you, and talks about it a bit. The first episode (and first four episodes I guess) cover a story from the late 1800’s called The Brick Moon. It’s an interesting thought-experiment story and I enjoyed Josh’s thoughts and some of the ramblings that related to the story.

When I was brainstorming what I wanted to do with a new podcast, I thought about doing something similar to Science Fiction Shorts. What I’m trying to accomplish now with The Slow Reader is basically what Josh has done with one episode (albeit I don’t ever plan on narrating the books in full). So this was a lot of fun to dive into and I got a lot out of it, personally.

If you want to listen to sci-fi short fiction, then this is a good place. I think he’s going to be reading public domain stuff for the most part; The Brick Moon comes from Project Gutenberg specifically. If that is up your alley then subscribe!

Slow Reader #6: Gone, Chapters 20-32

Finally got this one out. I thought it was going to be a long one, but it’s around the 10 minute mark. Pretty happy with that! Expect two more episodes.

After a lengthy delay, a 12-chapter update for Gone, chapters 20-32. Things are really heating up, and if this were a movie we’d be pretty close to the third act by now. There are going to be two more episodes for Gone, before moving on to the next book. Enjoy!

Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/stephen_g

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/2474979-stephen-gower

Blog: https://www.noformatblog.ca