An Open Letter to Mark Buehrle and Damien Cox

Dear Mark,

First off, welcome to Canada! I just wanted to fill you in on a few things about our country. We love our hockey (you’ll notice that some folks inexplicably have an affinity for the Toronto Maple Leafs), beer (but you probably knew that already) and hockey (c’mon Gary let’s get this season started already!). Popular music exported from our country can basically be described as a literal embarrassment of riches: Nickelback, Avril Lavigne, Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, Michael Buble and the Tragically Hip (though thankfully, they haven’t caught on south of the border). 
But let me get back to hockey, or the lack thereof, for just a sec. Please, please, please ignore everything that Damien Cox says. To put it plainly, he’s a hack and he represents the uneducated, knee-jerk reacting Blue Jays fans who’ve deified Cito Gaston. With no hockey to “write” about, he needs to justify his paycheque somehow, so he’s directed his misinformed scorn towards you. 
In order to save you the effort, let me come to your defence. If the Ontario pit bull ban is overturned, in no way will it reflect negatively on you or the Toronto Blue Jays. Apparently Cox feels that owning a Labrador and Golden retriever makes him an expert on pit bulls. It’s absolute bullshit that he feels the right to get on his high horse and vilify your family before you’ve even set foot in our country. 
Vilify the owners who train their pit bulls to be aggressive, in fact, vilify all people who want to turn their pets into weapons. It’s unfortunate that this sort of person exists, even though the vast majority of pit bull owners are nice folks who train their dog in a loving, family environment. 
Overturning Ontario’s pit bull ban isn’t going to be easy. It’ll take lots of education and enlightenment in order to change peoples minds. If you and your wife are successful, you’ll be viewed in a positive light by the vast majority of your city, province and country. Also, it’ll give you the chance to adopt a pretty cool nickname – Mark “Pit” Buerhle.
Sincerely,
The Blue Jays Luddite 
PS – Sorry for not updating the blog in a while. Last season was getting waaaaay too depressing…

One or the Other…

Major League Baseball umpires can’t have it both ways. Either they have to be available for post game press conferences to explain their miscalls or let the league step in and implement a video review system. At the moment, the only accountability is that bad umps are not allowed to officiate playoff games. With the added wild card team this year, I think that means that only 4 umps won’t be getting the call for the post season.

Also, in absolute non-related-to-this-post-news, that balk call was absolute bullshit….

One Sentence Scouting Report: Golden Oldies Edition

Apparently, the Jays have signed Vladimir Guerrero to a minor league deal. In honour of this, I’ve decided to repost my One Sentence Scouting Report from December 23rd:

One Sentence Scouting Report: Vladimir Guerrero

Welcome to the inaugural One Sentence Scouting Report, where I scout Major League Baseball players using only one sentence!
Vladimir Guerrero: He can’t walk and he can’t walk.

Some Theories as to Why Adam Lind is Still a Blue Jay

  • They’ve discontinued his hat size (XXXXL, unbendable brim, low enough to hide the fact that his hair line is perilously close to his eyebrows)
  • Alex Anthopoulos is mesmerized by Lind’s dreamy eyes squint
  • Adam Lind has stumbled upon some rent control scheme and will be occupying the cleanup spot until he’s a feeble old man 
  • There’s got to be some unknown metric we’re ALL missing 
  • The air conditioning at Rogers Centre is broken and they need the gusts of wind provided by his numerous strikeouts to keep the stadium cool during the summer
  • The Jays have a warehouse full of #Lindsanity T-Shirts that they’re hoping one day become relevant (assist to Connor McGuire on this one…)
Feel free to add your own additions to this list in the comment section!

Jose Bautista’s Early Season Dominance

If you examine the stats, I mean relax your focus and stare at the stats until you see the image of a saiboat, you’ll see that Jose Bautista is having an utterly dominant season. Just think about it, if baseball is a game of failure, Bautista has truly mastered it. He’s failing at all facets of the game, offensively at least. If he could find a way to emulate Eric Thames in the outfield, he’d be a complete player. Well done, Jose!

A Theory About the Baltimore Orioles

So the Jays are in Baltimore tonight and last time they faced each other, the Orioles won 2 out of 3 games. I’m hoping that things turnout better this time around, but it also got me thinking. How is it even possible that Baltimore can have a winning record this late in the season? And I know the answer. It could be because I’ve recently watched The Wire in its entirety, but I’m convinced that the commissioner has influenced Baltimore’s front office to somehow juke the stats so that they come out looking like winners. It’s a classic case of short term thinking in the Charm City.

As an alternate theory, I’m pretty sure that detective McNulty is influencing Baltimore’s record, by changing the box score after the games are over, but that’s OK because he’s awesome…

Weekly Standings Check In: Alphabetical Edition

This week, we examine what happens if the standings were to be seeded alphabetically. The biggest losers are all the relocated and rebranded teams. Had Miami kept Florida as it’s region, it would have been in the top ten. Same with the Angels, who originally were known as the California Angels, would have been in the top five. And they would have been first overall had they kept Anaheim in their name instead of attempting to compete with the Dodgers for the hearts of Los Angeles. Speaking of the Dodgers, had they stayed in Brooklyn, they also would have been among the top teams in baseball. The biggest loser is the last place Washington Nationals, considering they would have been ahead of the New York Yankees had they stayed in Montreal.

Also, too bad for the Blue Jays. After all the hope the fans harboured for improvement this year, they end up 2nd last in the entire league. Next year, I anticipate we’ll see some teams moving to Albuquerque and Alaska…